You know that scene in like, every movie where the camera pans over a gorgeous king-size bed and we see one partner slowly waking up their sleeping partner with some oral action. Sexy, right? Of course, in reality, engaging in a sexual act with a partner while they are asleep, incapacitated or unconscious is violating their consent. So, how can you wake someone up with sex if they can’t consent in the moment? How can you help them start the day on a great note, while making sure they they’re still consenting?
Ask them in advance!
Talk ahead of time about your boundaries and preferences regarding sleep sex, just as you would discuss sex while intoxicated, or sex under other circumstances. Obviously getting consent while someone is fully asleep or intoxicated is tricky – being awakened by sex is hot for some people, while for others it’s essentially rape. If your partner is not comfortable with the idea, you have to respect that boundary, plain and simple. If they’re into the idea, discuss and plan how it’s going to happen so that nobody feels violated.
Check in the night before.
Just because your partner said they’d be down to maybe try a sexual activity in the hypothetical, doesn’t mean they’re down to do it tomorrow. Check in the night before to see if your partner would be open to being woken up with sex the next morning (or later that night).
What if they say no?
If your partner says no to any activity, you must respect that. Full stop. There are a million reasons why someone might say no – they might feel more comfortable showering right before sex, they might want a second to put in a diaphragm or apply lube, or they might just feel safer and more in control when they’re fully awake. Or hey, maybe they just need a full night’s sleep.
What if they say yes, but they change their mind?
Again, you gotta respect it. If your partner agrees to be woken up with sex the night before, they might still change their minds after you start doing it. Consent can be revoked at any time – and must be respected at all times.
Basically, if you’re jonesing to give your partner an extra-sexy good morning, just bring it up first. Communication, as always, is key! So goodnight babes! 😉
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